Geeeeeeorge's Mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em. If you're good
you'll go to Heaven, if you're bad you'll go to
Hello, this is George.
(Gotta say it fast, and draw out the first word.)

(insert name)'s Mule Barn. Which *ss do you want?

G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with
this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke
signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

"This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message."
Really confused people.

Machine: Hello, is Jimmy there?
Caller: No, I'm afraid you have a wrong number.

Jeff here. What can I do to - I mean FOR - you?

("The Simpsons" theme song)
Heidilly-ho good neighborini! We're not in the ol' homestead
right now, but, by golly, if you'd like to leave a messagarooni, we'll
get back to you in two shakes of a lambs' tail. Alrighty, then?
Okely-dokely? Toodeloo!

(To a rap background)
Hate to tell you, I'm not home
But you can leave your message at the tone
I'll give you a call before I sleep
Just leave your message... at... the...

I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now. You see, I'm
nude, and I'm on fire. I'll explain later.

Hello, the number that you have reached is in perfect working order.
However, the humans here are temporarly out-of-service.
When they have been returned to service, I will have them call you.

Let's face it: there are moments when you just can't get to the
phone. (sound of toilet flushing)

I'm home right now. I'm drunk...I'm armed...I'm off my meds.
You had better make your message really, really sweet.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

(From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message,
I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting
down to test: 5...4...3...2...1...

We got this gadget, and you know the routine,
You have to leave a message on the bloody machine,
These machines annoy, both me and you,
But - the (family name)s are out so that's the best we can do.

[Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a
massage - my shoulders really could use it, and, what? Oh! A
message!

You've reached the B&D Hotline. All our operators are tied up
right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions,
and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance.

Hello, Mabel's Whorehouse, where the customer always comes first.

We had a several messages left on our answering machine where people were
laughing amusedly and before they left their message. We asked my
sister-in-law what was so funny. She said, "You don't know? That's
even funnier." She went over to the answering machine and punched the
button to playback our greeting. We heard my two year old cooing and
giggling for a few seconds, then my wife's authoritative voice came in:
"William! Put down the phone!", then the beep.

Hello, you have reached the Fidelity Sperm Bank Helpline. Your
business is important to us. Please hold for the next available
customer service rep.

Your number has been recorded, so if you hang up I will hurt you.

This answering machine is broken, about 50% of the messages end up
munch. So if you are my ex-wife's attorney, you will probably be one of
the unlucky. That's my story. I'm sticking to my story.

If you are my ex-girlfriend, I don't buy it! I want the results of the
blood test before I even consider giving you a f'ing dime! If you
are my current girlfreind, um...so what were the results of the
pregnancy test?

I'm not around right now. Please leave a message at the tone. OH,
YEAH! And if you are that scary bondage chick I f*cked the other night,
Leave me alone! That sh*t hurts![beep]

Bob house. Bob's answering machine.[beep]

If you are not a interesting person with something important to
say, please do not leave a message.

(Imagine this sung in four-part harmony over a
country-and-western instrumental)
'We're afraid there's no-one here to take your call,
We've all gone out in search of alcohol,
Please leave your name and number on the list,
We'll call you back, if we're not too pissed...'

Hey, how ya doin, sorry ya can't get thru
Why don't ya leave ya name and ya number, and I'll get back to you...

De la Soul song...
Well thanks for callin' me,
But I'm not in as you know,
You'll never get a hold of me,
Cuz I'm always on the go.
Cruisin' from city to city,
We're talkin' night after night,
There's a party to be found,
When I see the moonlight.
Don't get me wrong,
Your call is important to me,
Tryin' to say "I don't know
Where I could possibly be."
So leave your name, your number,
And a message too,
And as soon as I can,
I will get back to you!

This is Dr. Franz Mesmer, Master Hypnotist.
At the tone, you will place $5,000 in an envelope
and mail it to me at Number 16, Rue Cugat, Paris.
You will not remember making this call.

My answering machine is blonde, so please speak clear and slow, and
if the machine doesn't forget your message, I'll get back to you.

Welcome to the Afterlife Voice Mail System. If you are trying
to reach Heaven, please press 1. For Valhalla, press 2. For
Hades, press 3. If you are trying to reach Nirvana, you're
going about it all wrong, so WE certainly can't help you. If
you'd just like to leave a message for Sean, wait for the beep.

Hi, this is X's and Y's automated telephone system. After you hear
the beep, press 1 for X or press 2 for Y. To return to this point
press 0. *beep, same as answering machine's but recorded*
*pause* *deadpan* You pressed the wrong button. Press again. *beep*

m: You've reached XXX-XXXX, we're not home right now so...
s: Matt! We are too home!
m: But we may not be when someone calls...
s: Are we going somewhere?
m: We might.
s: So who's gonna answer the phone?
m: How about Mizar?
s: MIZAR! Here kitty!
m: Okay Mizar, when the phone rings, jump on on the table and hit this
button right here... BEEP

(Me being Matt)
Hello you've reached Matt and Suzy's apartment. If this is Suzy, get
home now! And if this is Matt... whoa this is weird... BEEP

This is the Iraqi Embassy. Saddam is out invading a poor
defenseless nation. Please leave a message after the beep and
he will respond as soon as the US kicks his butt.

(Theme music from James Bond:) Hello. My name is David, code
number 324-5628. I'm sorry I can't take your call, but I'm on
an international mission involving the theft of gold plated
Spam. Leave a message after the tone, and should I survive my
mission, I'll call you back. Ciao babies!

(Annoying flute music in background:) Good day, Jim. Your
contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission,
should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number,
and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct
in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

(Masterpiece Theatre theme; pompous British accent:) Hello, and
welcome to Answering Machine Theatre. In tonight's episode,
Richard is unable to answer the telephone. Richard requests
that callers leave a name, a telephone number, and a brief
message. And now for tonight's episode of Answering Machine
Theatre.

Hi. I'm not homo right now. I won't be homo later. In fact, I'm not
planning on ever being homo. But I will be back later so leave your
name, [etc....]

To the tune of the Beverly HillBillies:
This is Deb, and we're not home,
I took my family, and now we're gone.
Please leave your name, your number and all,
and when we get back, we'll return your call!

"Spiderwebs" on No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom album:
"Sorry I'm not home right now, I'm walking into spiderwebs.
So leave a message and I'll call you back..."

Play Ahvay Santani (Hail Satan) from the Omen movie sound track. Say:
I can't come to the phone right now.
Just leave your name, number and current location.
I'll come get your soul as soon as possible....

(sounds of my husband screaming and crying out, "Hey! Let me go!" and
"What's that needle for?!" in the background)
(Bright, cheery, stewardess nothing-is-wrong-here tone of voice for irony :)
"Hi, we cannot come to the phone right now, as we have been abducted by
space aliens. When we are returned to earth, however, we will return
your call as quickly as possible."

And another favorite: recording of one of my cats meowing 7 or 8
times, then the beep.

Van: Hi, this is Van. No one is in right now, but if you'll..
(sound of door opening)
Me: Hey, Van. What're you doing?
Van: I'm putting a new message on your answering machine. The
old one sucked.
Me: Leave it alone! That's my answering machine- You can't do that!
Van: This bat says I can..
(sound of Van beating a book against the wall, me screaming, etc..)
(sound of me falling on the floor, in pain)
Van: Anyway, Robbie's out, and Hugh isn't here right now, so please
leave a message at the tone.

Hello?! Listen, there's no time to explain, but I think this answering
machine has been taken over by aliens. If you can...
(Then, in an alien-type voice) Disregard that last transmission. Please
leave your name, phone number and the coordinates of your telephone at
the sound of the beep.

[Local Pizza Store] Pizza. Will this be a carryout or delivery?
[...] CARRYOUT or DELIVERY ??
[...] BEEP

You have reached the offices of RRC Inc,
If you have already eaten, please press 8.
If you want to say "no" in German, please press 9.
If you have currency from England, please press #.
All other callers wait for the beep.
[..] BEEP

(Rap beat in background)
__ and ___ are not at home
Or maybe they just can't come to the phone
If you're calling at night, we're prob'ly asleep,
So please leave a message after the beep,
After the beep, after the beep,
Please leave a message after the beep.

Hi. I'm not home right now, as far as you know. Leave a message
and I'll call you back if I feel like it.

Hi, you've reached __'s answering machine. ___ isn't home right now, but
whatever you have to say to him, you can tell me. We're VERY close and
we tell each other everything.

One for exam time:
{background music: Billy Joel's _Pressure_, very loud}
Hi. You've reached Tom and Mark's room. We're a little busy now...
{BJ screams "PRESSURE!!!"}
So, leave a message and we'll get back to you after (exam end date)
{BJ: "ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!!"}
Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.
Today's commandment is Number six: thou shalt not...er...bear
a...er...shalt not witness thy...uh...neighbor's *ss, oh, I mean,
false...er...shalt not commit a bear...dern...

I used to use this one when I was paranoid about being robbed...
"Hi, we can't come to the phone right now. We've taken our Doberman
Pincers to the vet to get their ears sewed back on. It seems the Pit Bulls
were playing a little too rough. To punish them we have separated them and
put one in the house and one in the yard. So if you're coming by, don't
forget - they hate the door bell."

["Doctor Who Theme" or, even better, "Doctorin' The Tardis" by the Timelords
in the background]
I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, I'm outside trying to fix my
Tardis. (ASIDE: For those of you who don't know, that's a Time Machine].
However, if you'll leave your name, number, and the time and date of your
call, I'll be sure to pop back and be here to answer it.

HANS: This is Hans.
FRANZ: And this is Franz, and we just want to...
BOTH: Pump [CLAP] you up.
HANS: But we are not at home, you know.
FRANZ: Ya, we are gone.
HANS: If you want us to...
BOTH: Pump [CLAP] you up.
HANS: You will leave a message after the beep.
FRANZ: If you don't leave a message, then you are girly-man.
HANS: Ya, girly-man. And we don't talk to girly-man, you know.
FRANZ: So leave a message and we will call to...
BOTH: Pump [CLAP] you up

Baseball player's message:
I'm not in at the moment because I've just gone in out there and am
not out. The other team is in and out in the field trying to get me
out because I'm in and not out, although I'm not in to take your call.
When the team that's in and is out have got me out I will not be out -
I will be in to call you back before the other team which has got me out
goes in and we go in to get them out, when I'll be out again and not in.

(Best evangelist imitation...) My friends!
Thank you for calling the savior hotline, your one-way ticket to heaven.
I'm sorry, but Sisters ___ and ___ are out saving godless heathens. If
you are having a crisis, simply reach to the back of the television and
FEEL the power of Jesus.
Otherwise, leave your name, telephone and VISA number at the tone,
and we'll get back to you. AMEN!

This message takes 2 people and a Laser Tag gun set (or sound
recording software) to pull off. The narrator should use an
authoritative voice.
"I'm sorry. ____ and ____ cannot come to the phone right now."
[sound of a laser tag sensor alarm going off]
"Some of our genetic experiments have escaped the laboratory...."
[sound of multiple screams and a laser tag gun shooting]

If you're part of the problem, hang up now.
If you're part of the solution, leave a message.

(sounds of knocking on door, dog barking, child screaming) Uh, you
can probably tell from the chaos (bark, bark) that you've--uh (knock,
knock) reached Mark and Cheryl (dog growls)...MILES, KNOCK IT OFF!
(Aggressive barking)...listen we can't talk...leave a message (child
screams, doorbell rings)...and maybe one of the dogs will get back to
you---NOT ON THE RUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(loud crashing noise; BEEEEP!)

Hello. You have reached {your name}. When you hear the beep please
leave your name, number, best time to call you back, the temperature
at the time of your call, your feelings on the current trade deficit,
your favorite film directed by Alan Parker, and your message.
Everyone not leaving all this information will not be called back.
You have thirty seconds.

Hi, you have reached apt. 608. If you would like to leave a message
for Johan, press 1. If you would like to leave to leave a message for
a Kevin, press 1. If you would like to leave a message for Steve,
press 1. If you would like to leave a message for Kevin and Steve,
press one, If you would like to leave a message for Kevin and Johan,
press one.. (etc.. etc)

(Mechanical Voice) 3 beeps mean I can't come to the phone right now.
2 beeps mean I just don't like you. 1 beep means I'm having sex right
now...BEEP

(My voice, spoken in a no-nonsense, business-like tone) "You have
reached the answering machine of Steven and Annie Benson-Lennaman.
At the sound of the tone, please leave your name, number, and a brief
description of what you're wearing. Thank you."

Hi, you've reached Dr. (name)'s office. We're unable to answer your
call, but please tell us what's bothering you. You may talk as long
as you like. (long pause)
There, now don't you feel better? That will be $40.

Don't EVER call me again!

Admit it! You have no IDEA who I am.

This is Madame Olga, I see all and know all. To whom am I speaking?

Dis is Louis. Who is youse?

Hi, you've reached Bill's answering machine. You can:
A) leave your message at the tone
B) Call me on my pager at xxx-xxxx or
C) rip off all your clothes and run around the block naked yelling
"BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA". While this may not help you get a message
to me any sooner, you will quickly meet some very nice, understanding
people in white coats who will be happy to listen to you.

Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if...
Matt: Steve, what *are* you doing?
Steve: I'm leaving a phone message.
Matt: But you left the last one - it's my turn.
Steve: No, it's not. It's mine.
Matt: No, you're totally wrong. It's definitely my turn.
Steve: Come on! I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing
with that frying pan?!?
BONK [really loud thud]
Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church
music...
(In a soft voice) Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a
confession. At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short
confession I will get back to you with your penance. Thank you and may
God go with you.

Hi this is (name). I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.

My favorite message that I ever had was the *real* message I recorded
off 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. army snitching network. Try it, its a great
recording (call after 5 pm for the message).

(woman taped off a "phone sex" service)
WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely
when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to ...
YOU : (interrupting) Oh c'mon, Linda, give me the damn phone..
(then ask for a message)

"Hello, I'm not here." BEEP

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you
want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that
the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about
to bite off your ear.

(strong Chinese accent) No-wan home! NO-WAAAN HOME! Bye. BEEP

(Star Wars "Imperial March" playing in background)
Once again we rejoin our cosmic hero Captain Munch and his intrepid
space dog, Puck, aboard the shuttle Discovery. All seems well in space,
but suddenly and without warning a time hole opens and aliens from
Planet X swarm through, using their death ray to blast a hole in the
side of the ship! The crew struggles valiantly to close it off, but
Captain Munch and Puck are swept through the opening and into the vast
blackness of space! Will they be saved before they run out of oxygen,
or will they be fried by evil aliens?!
(the music swells to a climax, then suddenly stops)
Meanwhile, back at home, the telephone rang. BEEP

Hi, this is Kenneth. I'm in the shower right now. I'm wet! I'm naked!

(Owner is a hard-to-reach person:) Yes, I finally got an answering
machine. (To Handel's Messiah:) Alleluia! Alleluia!
Alleluia! Alleluia! All-e-lu-ia! Please leave a message at the tone.

(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn'
have fanshy gadgets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call
and call until shumbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don'
like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave
a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but
the phone is.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop
for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done...
(Cachunk!)

(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world
without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode.
You see a signpost up ahead - this is no ordinary telephone answering
device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1
on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to
Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong
number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button
pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger,
and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our
previous answering machine message, we made a few changes.
(Double speed: Insert standard long-winded message here.)

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message,
please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number,
please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial
your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press
star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and
message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called,
please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and
BEEP

Get a micro cassette recorder, record the message on "slow", then play
it into the machine on fast. Then I proceeded to speak into my own
voice saying "You have reached the Alvin and the Chipmunks Fan Line".

Hi, I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
name, phone number, the time you called, date of birth, social
security number, hair color, eye color, height, weight, shoe size,
your dog's name--and tell me whether your belly button is an innie or
an outie.....I'll get back to you! Bye.

Using only my answering machine and another tape recorder, I dubbed
my voice over my voice playing on the tape. The final result - there
were four of me on the answering machine tape.

(few bars of "Hallelujah" chorus from "Messiah")
Hello, you've reached the epicenter of the universe. God isn't in
right now, but if you leave your name and a message, he'll continue
to ignore you for another 2000 years. Thank you.

Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to
collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please
press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service,
or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now.
Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name
and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding
debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone.

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are
able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name,
telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

(Richard Nixon voice:) Hi... Uh, some people say I sound like Richard
Nixon... I BEG your pardon! Uh... Everyone's out right now, so
I'm uh... Covering up for them. Please leave your name, number and
message promptly at the beep... I don't want to get blamed for any gaps
on this tape. OK machine, you can beep now... Come on you, BEEP.

(US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice:) Uh, hello... I'm, uh, oh...
(Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of...
erm... uh... erm... (Pause.)
I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a
message after the, um oh, the uh... the uh... BEEP.

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your
name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and
the secret password.

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage
Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone,
please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and
we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

(Theme music from James Bond:) Hello. My name is David, code
number 324-5628. I'm sorry I can't take your call, but I'm on an
international mission involving the theft of gold plated
Spam. Leave a message after the tone, and should I survive my mission,
I'll call you back. Ciao babies!

To the Batmobile! Let's go! Atomic batteries to power!
Turbines to speed! Roger, ready to move out! (Theme music from
Batman; reduce to background.) As you can see, I'm off making
Montreal a safer place' to live. So if you'll leave a message after
the tone, I'll get back to you as soon as justice is served. Bye-bye!
(Music continues. POW, BIFF.)

(In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian
Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed
is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney
General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate
you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you
may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist
organizations. Thank you.

(Annoying flute music in background:) Good day, Jim. Your contact,
Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to
accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the
tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

(Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of
Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave
your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone?
Sure... I knew you could.

(English accent:) Hello, you've reached the phone of Monty
Python. I can't come to the phone right now because the witch has
turned me into a newt! I'll call you back when I get better.

Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where
you can talk to me, Bren. I'll tell you all about how I'm suffering
in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a power
forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I'll tell my deepest secrets,
such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority girls
wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not I'm
wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me live. Since
you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the beep.

This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you're on the air...

Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name,
number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can.
Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO.
Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.

Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

Used to live in a dorm called Stevens Hall. My neighbor Vinny
answered the phone, "Stevens Hall, who in the Hall do you want?"

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your
name and number, I'll be right with you.

Thanks for calling Dial-An-*sshole. Right now, all our *ssholes are
busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an
*sshole return your call as soon as possible.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your
name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word.
Today's word is "supercilious".

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not
here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession
at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible.
And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your
sins in vivid, graphic detail!

(To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for calling the
Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to get George Bush
re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone
bill. If you would like to leave a message...

You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy
now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to
you as soon as possible.

Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen.
You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and
Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you
leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the
corpse as soon as possible.

Hello, this is the Yardmaster's Office, Valsetz and Siletz railroad (an
actual railroad in Oregon). There is an emergency condition right now
due to the landslide. Therefore please be advised of the following.
(Another 30 seconds of talking, all of which is drowned out by a passing
train.)

There is a song by the Dream Warriors about answering machines...
Chorus goes like this (in a chanting, spoken-word, rap sorta way)
"Hey! how ya doin'... sorry you can't get through...
Whydontcha leave your name... and your number... and I'll get back
to you." (repeated twice)

(To the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries":)
Leave a message... Leave a message...

("Heartbreak Hotel":)
I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell,
And if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP

("Camptown Races":)
I can't come to the telephone; doo-dah, doo-dah.
Leave your message when you hear the tone; oh, de doo-dah day.
Might be gone all night... Might be gone all day...
So leave a message when you hear the tone.
I'll call you back someday...

(Beethoven's Fifth:)
Nobody's home.
Why did you phone?
Please leave your message here when you have heard the tone,
And we will call you back as soon as we get home.
Your message here,
After the tone,
Here is the tone... tone... BEEP

("If I Only Had A Brain":)
I might be in the shower,
I might be gone for hours,
I can't come to the phone.
So, please leave your name and number,
If I miss you it'd be a bummer,
Leave your message at the tone...

(Gilligan's Island theme:)
"Just sit right back and wait for the beep before you leave your name.
We'll call you back when we get home, if we feel like it, if we feel
like it."

("Muppet Show" theme:)
It's time to leave a message
After you hear the tone,
It's time to leave a message
'Cause we're not at home tonight...
It's time to leave a message
On Kate and Shannon's phone,
It's time to leave a message
'Cause we're not at home tonight.
Just leave your name and number,
Such simple things to do,
And then when we get home we will
Get right back to you.
It's time to leave a message
After you hear the tone.
It's time to leave a message
'Cause we're not at home tonight.
Gone to get a bite,
Stayin' out all night,
Yes we have a life!
Leave a message, we're not home toniiiiight...

("Raiders of the Lost Ark" in background:) You've reached the
residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now,
because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and
number, and we'll get back to you.

Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if...
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt: But you left the last one - it's my turn.
Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool, I know it's... Wait... Matt... What are you
doing with that frying pan? (BONK... THUD)
Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and
number.

Hello. I can't come to the phone now because - HEY, GEORGE!
DON'T STAND ON THAT! ...Goddamn... Because I've invited George and
Barbara Bush over... (Loud music cuts in:) BARBARA! HEY!
DON'T FUCK WITH THAT! ...Over for dinner. After the tone...
BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG... MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! ...Shit...
Leave a message after the tone...

Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous!
Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week
in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.

(Frantic violin music:) Hello. You have reached 435-3949. We are
currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being
chased by, bats. Please leave a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my
financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are
my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have
plenty of money.

(Fun to leave on a friend's machine when he's away... Sounds of
rapturous sex:) Hi. Mike can't come to the phone right now because
he's having sex. If you leave your name and number, he'll get back
with you in juuust a second. (Male groan; female voice:) That's it?

Hi, I'm not home because I've gone on a BLOODY RAMPAGE! When I
get home, and CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD, I'll be sure to give you a call. If
I haven't ALREADY COME OVER, that is. (Coughing loony laughter.)

(Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now.
Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're
going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) HEY GUIDO! GET THE
CHAIN SAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it,
you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)

(Sinister organ music:) Hello, you have reached the Brown residence.
You now have two choices. Number one, you may leave a message.
(Angelic "Hallelujah!") Or number two, suffer eternal damnation.
(Horrid death scream.) You decide.

The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt
power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten.
(Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a
message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The choice
is YOURS!

(A busy signal.) - Steven Wright

(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed
is disconnected or no longer in service.

The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The
new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of
it.

Hello. All of our operators are busy right now, but if you'll leave your
name, telephone number, a brief message, and the time you called, we'll
get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you and have a pleasant
day. (This can dissuade prank and sales callers who don't know it's
really a private line.)

Creamed asparagus! BEEP

Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line.
Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear?
... BEEP

All our answering machines are busy. Please hold. (Pause.)
All our answering machines are... (CLICK) This is the answering
machine of...

Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy
evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.

(Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy
metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs.
(Silence...) Any message?

Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Faisal and Bob with dark,
sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief
message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated.
See if you can tell the difference.

So! You've finally called. And I suppose you think I'll just be
here. Well you're wrong. I gave up on that yesterday.
Seventeen weeks is long enough. Waiting for you; staring at the
phone; never going anywhere... Well I've had enough! I decided to
get a real life, so I'm out testing lint removers for Ralph
Nader. Now it's your turn. Leave a message at the beep and I might
just get back to you - if I survive my new job.

I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me
how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest.
This is for posterity.

Bridge, Kirk here.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please?
Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven,
do you want it on screen?

(Borg voice:) WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOUR PHONE
CALL, AS IT HAS BEEN, IS NOW OVER. YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE
ASSIMILATED AT THE BEEP. But we're not home right now. So leave a
message and we'll assimilate you later.

Borg communications router. Unit addressed unavailable. Hails are
irrelevant. Messages are irrelevant. You are irrelevant.
Nonetheless, leave message if you wish. Wait for indicative, high
frequency, acoustic spike... (Background:) Error, error!
Wishes are irrelevant. Acoustic spikes are irrelevant.

(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!

(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.

I am not home to talk to you,
But please don't be a creep.
Just leave your name and number,
At the sound of the...

(Recorded during a party:)
HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB
yeah!! we're having a party!! come on over! B
mike's not home right now!! Look out! E
Hey what are you doing? Careful it might spill. E
Was that the phone ringing? P

(A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she went
out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud,
deep, gravelly, horror-film voice he recorded:) Hi, this is Kathy. I'm
not myself right now. If you leave your name and number, I'll get back
to you when I'm feeling better.

Me: Hi, I can't come to the phone right now. I may not be home,
or maybe I'm in the bath, or perhaps I'm off enjoying a nice
tall glass of Nestea, the refreshingest iced tea you can buy!
Dave: Promotional fee paid by the Nestea Corporation.

"You have reached the number which you have dialed."

(noise of a chain saw from Skinny Puppy's "Chain Saw")
Um, we're kind of BUSY right now. Leave a message after the tone.

"What we have here is a failure to communicate"...Cool Hand Luke

What you are about to hear is not a beep. It is a digitally
manipulated fart.

This answering machine has a short attention span, and it WILL
hang up on you if leave a boring message.

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

(MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:) Hello, it's obvious
you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your
name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar
to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly
possible.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-
compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent,
please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple
personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are
paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are
schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you
which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't
matter which number you press. No one will answer.

(Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:)
Hello. Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic. (Raspy
gasp.) We can't come to the phone right now because we're
making a couple of adjustments. (Break a few small twigs; big
scream.) Please leave your name and number and we'll get back
to you as soon as it is humanly possible. Thank you very much.

(Stoned, slow voice:) Hey brother, you have reached the
Narcotics Information Hotline. None of us can answer the phone
right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists. Leave a
message.

Hello, you're caller number nine!

(Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":) You have reached 587-8783.
Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up
the phone... There's still... Nobody home.")

(Pink Floyd:)
Welcome my friends, welcome... to... the machine...
(Voice:) Please leave your name, phone number and message. Thank you.

(Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:") I ain't home, I ain't
home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home.

(Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit":)
Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello,
No one's here, no one's home,
Leave a message, at the tone.
Don't feel stupid, it's no big fuss,
Leave a message, you can reach us.

I was dialing from the lab, late one night,
When my ears beheld an eerie plight...
My assistant was frightened by the tone
That signaled that no one was home.
...THERE'S NO ONE HOME MASTAH,
MASTAH THERE'S NO ONE HOME.
Igor you impetuous fool, then leave a message!

(U2's "With or Without You":)
No one's here to answer the phone,
Leave a message at the tone,
And we'll get back to you.
We'll get back to you!

(Meat Loaf's "I'd Do Anything For Love":)
And I would do anything for calls,
I promise I will call you back;
I would do anything for calls,
But I can't talk right now and that's a fact.
I'm not home right now, so I just can't answer the phone,
No way,
But I would do anything for calls,
Oh, I would do anything for calls!
Just let me know who it was who called,
And I'll call you back!
Yes, I'll call you back!
Just leave a message at the tone,
I'll hear it when I get back home,
And I will call - you - back!

(Cheers TV show theme song, "Where Everybody Knows your Name":)
Sometimes you make a call,
Where you gotta leave your name,
'Cuz I can't come to the phone,
You gotta leave a message here,
right after the tone.
You made a call,
Where you gotta leave your name.

("The Check is in the Mail" by Weird Al Yankovich:)
Well hey how you doin'? Have a seat have a drink,
Boy it's good to see you what can I say,
Oh sorry got to run we'll get together again,
Say what was your name anyway?
Well we're working on the problem -
We'll get back to you soon,
Don't try to call me I'll be in a meeting every afternoon
for a year, maybe longer, keep in touch, thanks for dropping by
and have a nice day.

("Winter Wonderland":)
Hear the ring, inside our home.
Once again, can't get the phone.
So please be polite,
You know that it's right,
And leave a message when you hear the tone.

Voice 1: Gee, Dave, what do you feel like doing tonight?
Voice 2: Same thing we do every night, Rob... Try to take over
the world! (Sing:)
They're David and the Rob,
Yes, David and the Rob,
One is a drummer, the other needs a job.
They're not at home right now, so please don't have a cow,
Leave a message - for David and the Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob.

(With apologies to Robert Burns:)
O ma phone is but an ebon box,
Wha' rings when I'm awa'.
And my tape machine waits,
For your call,
This message for ta play.
So leave ye message at the beep,
Then bide ye well a while,
For I will hear your voice,
ONE DAY,
and call ye wi' a smile.

("Under the Boardwalk":)
Oh, when you call our room,
and all you get is a machine,
and then you get so upset,
you feel as if you want to scream.
Please leave a message
after the be-ep.
And John or Tom will get back you,
as soon as they can.

(The Barney Song:)
We're not home,
We're not home.
Please leave a message at the tone,
With your name and number and a few short words.
Please do not hang up the phone.

(Loud sounds of a massive battle; calm voice:) Hello! Due to
the breakdown in the 452nd truce, the inhabitants of village
286-3589 are cowering in their bomb shelters. However, if you
leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors will get
back to you when the 453rd truce begins.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...
real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing
our teeth we'll get back to you.

A is for academics,
B is for beer.
One of those reasons is why we're not here.

You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your
call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system
performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with
our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized
to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now.
Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the
tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

I can't answer the phone now because I'm over at Slobinskis's
house. Me and five other guys are helping him replace a
lightbulb.

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come
to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording
this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to
it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're
listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so
confusing.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent
the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you
are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a
female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a
veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of
it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it
in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath
sounded. Thou must leave a message.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your
voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for
later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use
the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and
immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists
will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
Thank you.

Please hang up now if you would want to speak to Johan.
Otherwise, please stay on the line to leave him a message.

Hi, you have reached Richard. I'm sorry, but my answering
machine is out of order, so the voice you are hearing is
actually me.

(Fairly boring message:) This is John. I can't come to the
phone right now, but if you leave a message at the tone, I'll
return your call. (Now, re-record the message every morning.
Frequent callers will notice that something sounds different,
but will be confused since the words are exactly the same.)

Hello, you have reached dial an unpopular luncheon meat, I am
pimento loaf, leave me a message.

All our answering machines are busy. Please hold. (Pause.)
All our answering machines are... (CLICK) This is the
answering machine of...

(And here's a way to befuddle the CALLEE rather than the caller:
Record someone's answering machine message as you hear it, and
then play it back to them as your message to them. Repeat over
time until something interesting happens.)

Thank you for reaching out to us. Nobody is home now. However,
if you leave a message, we'll reach out and touch you.
(or)
Stop reaching out and trying to touch me, dammit!

Please leave your name and number - But first, a short algebra
quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q? (Pause while caller thinks: 10Q)
You're welcome!

Hello. If you're calling with bad news, leave your message now.
If it's good news, wait for the tone.

(Gameshow-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag!
(Cheers in background.) If you'd like to join the game, please
leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach
you when you're not around. And thanks once again for playing
Phone Tag!

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So
please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower
today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave
a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in
person.

You have reached WPMS - 3 weeks of blues, 1 week of ragtime. WPMS.

Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's there?") Isn't
that MY question? (Pause.) Please leave a message...

Thank you for calling Starfleet Command. No starships are in
the quadrant at this time, so at the sound of the subspace tone,
tell us your name, the planet you are calling from, and how many
Klingons are attacking.

(Like a sheep:) Baaaaaaa.

(Nike commercial voice:)
You know what to do.
You know how to do it.
You know when to do it.
So, JUST DO IT!

I am not home to talk to you,
But please don't be a creep.
Just leave your name and number,
At the sound of the...

Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home.
Watch me pull their message out of this machine!
Rocky: Again?
Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! (Sound of vicious
dog barking, stops abruptly.)
Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number.
Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.

These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.