I just had an empty fortune cookie. Which was rather... unfortunate. I removed the shell from my racing snail, to make him more aerodynamic but it just made him more... sluggish. My bank teller said she would go out on a date with me, but then she lost interest. I think she wanted to be... a loan. The police arrested me because my outfit was so bad. They wanted to question me about my criminal ties. I used to have an insatiable addiction to soap. But I'm clean now. That's no lye. My wife told me that my bee jokes are bad. I'm not gonna lie, that one really... stung. It was a real bee-trayal. Apple recently announced they're working on a line of makeup. The first product they announced... iShadow. Watson was never the same after Sherlock passed. It left him... Holmeless. I tried to talk to this girl I met at the art museum, but it was a... bust. She really gave me the... cold shoulder. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they'll never meet. If you have a secret you want to share, tell a mummy. They are very trustworthy and will keep it... under wraps. Holding in farts is bad for your health. Eventually they travel up to your brain and that is where crappy ideas come from. What do you call an orphan taking a selfie? A family photo. This was a... non-dad joke! I was out walking and saw a guy carrying a Scrabble board, he tripped, tiles went everywhere. I couldn't help myself. I asked him, "What's the word on the street?" Paleontologists recently unearthed the largest tibia ever recorded and threw a big party. It was quite the... shindig. There is a new grocery store opening up that only sells donuts and bagels it's named... Hole Foods! What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling... but second is arts and... crafts What do ranchers use to count cows? Cowculators. I herd they round up. Breaking news: Small-town doctor fractures leg while auditioning for local play. Despite his injuries, he made the cast. The football coach always told his team to give 110%. The school really shouldn't let him teach math. Why don't skeletons ever fight each other? Because they don't have the guts. Got fired from the gym because I couldn't bench 30lbs. Had to put in my... too weak notice. It just wasn't... working out. I wrote a book on how to operate a boat. It was the... best-sailing book of all time. I like dad jokes about eyeballs. The... cornea the better How can you tell if an astronaut is distracted? If they are... staring off into space. A father was washing his car with his son. His son turned around and asked, "Dad why can't you use a sponge like everyone else?" I heard that "icy" is the easiest word to spell. Looking at it now... I see why. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up. It's hard to choose which body part is my favorite. But I pick my nose. My ex girlfriend just texted me, "Wish you were here." She does this everytime she passes by a cemetery A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts. I can't believe it's not better I used to have a job making holes... It was boring. (I really dig this joke) Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He's lucky it was a... soft drink. I bet he's... soda pressed now. I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y. Which profession is always going to leave you broke? Baking. They always... knead dough. Which store did the man with one hand go to? The second hand store. I was going to tell you a joke about a girl that only eats plants, but you've probably never heard of... herbivore. I don't know any fish jokes. If you hear any, let... minnow Which two days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday, the others are weakdays. I recently learned that if you flip a canoe over you can wear it as a hat. Because it's... cap sized. What kind of bird forgets the words to songs? A humming bird Why did the bicycle quit the race? It was... too tired. The inventor of Velcro passed away last week. RIP You ever wonder what would happen if the devil lost his hair? I'd bet there'd be hell... toupee. Last year when attending Comic con, I saw a security guard removing a guy who was trying to sell his drawings. Turns out, he was a... con artist. Watson asked Holmes "what grade is your kid going into?" It's... Elementary my dear Watson What monster is the best dancer? The... boogie man. I used to hate facial hair, but then it... grew on me I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... "That's just spam" I can't believe I got fired from a dairy farm. They said I was a danger to myself and... udders What do you call a man with a nice set of binoculars? Seymour My friend asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet was. It was a complete guess, but I was right. Why didn’t the herbs get married? They just weren't... mint to be. I lost my job at the keyboard factory! Apparently, I did not put in enough... shifts. Why was the short tempered doctor going out of business? He had no patients. My English teacher was really surprised I didn't know what "Apocalypse" means. It's not like it's the end of the world! I saw a radio that had a broken volume knob, but I just HAD to buy it. There's no way I can turn that down. Why are skeletons so calm? Nothing gets under their skin What did the Egyptian pharaoh say to his mother? I love you mummy If a cow fails to produce milk... Is it a milk dud, or an udder failure? I told my son a joke a hilarious joke about chocolate, caramel and peanuts, but he didn't laugh at all. I thought I'd at least get a... snicker.