My fellow Americans: I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.

Hewlett-Packard: responsible for confusing generations of calculator users.

Life is never boring, if it is, you're playing wrong.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Reality continues to ruin my life.

The more you know the less you need to say.

Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if he or she were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do so with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.

If you must hold yourself up to your children as an object lesson, hold yourself up as a warning and not an example.